Open Letter to the Man Who Kissed Me Today

Dear sir,

Today, there was an awkward moment when our lunch group was dispersing.  Everyone was hugging goodbyes, so I went ahead and reluctantly hugged you.  When my head went left, yours went the same direction, and you said, "I almost kissed you!" I was less than thrilled.  When you held me tighter than I wanted and you actually kissed my cheek, I understand why you did that, even though I had already said to you, "No! You will not!"  I understand you quite well.  You were laughing, and I may have laughed it off in the moment, but I'm telling you now that it was not funny. It was not just a funny kiss on the cheek.  You may wonder why I'll never let you hug me again.  I'll explain, even though it's not my job to school you because you're a grown man, and you surely know the rules by now.

You know that women don't want to be kissed when they say, "Don't kiss me."  But there's something you may not know.  You aren't the only one who acts like you don't know the rules.  I don't blame you for not knowing that your kiss represents the boy who groped my breasts twice in the hallways of my high school over 27 years ago.  The boy laughed, too. You wouldn't know that your kiss would remind me of the teacher who stopped me from chasing that boy so I could pummel him, and that the teacher asked me what I did to provoke the boy.

You probably thought I provoked you when my head came near yours.  It was supposed to just be a goodbye hug among friends.  But when I hugged you, you didn't know that in my first job I'd been subjected to unsolicited touching by men who were all my superiors.  You didn't know that when I told them to stop they acted like I had insulted their honor. How would you know that your kiss that I tried to stop would trigger a bad memory of when I told one aggressive coworker that he didn't understand the word "no." He acted like I'd accused him of rape, and he was so injured that he thankfully stopped coming around to my cubicle for a chat. When you kissed me you didn't know that you'd already made me uncomfortable the previous times you hugged me, by rubbing my back and lingering too long. I didn't make that clear, because it's not my job to tell you that I don't want you invading my space.  You're just supposed to be decent about that.

You didn't know that this is serious business. You assume I like it because I'm a nice person and I don't call you out like that bitch who suggests a guy doesn't know what "no" means.  So I also don't blame you for being dense because that seems to be how you get a pass every time you do this shit to women. Did you know that when I tell people about your actions they say, "Oh, he just doesn't get it. He means well..."?

Did you know that people don't believe you are in control of your own words and actions?  People say that about you, poor thing.  Remember that one time you told a joke about how you like women who can't escape you, and people just rolled their eyes?  I didn't roll mine. I was appalled and said, "That doesn't surprise me at all," and you kept on smiling. I think they roll their eyes because you generally put up a "good guy" front. People in the community like you because you do all kinds of good things. You're a liberal, peace-loving hippie with a penchant for making a certain demographic of women very uncomfortable, like when the waitress thought we were together and you suggested she thought we were lovers. No, that is not funny, and I told you so. And when women complain about it, you do that "I'm so misunderstood" thing and act confused and sad.  Let me tell you, that behavior is manipulative and lacks accountability.  It indulges the people who only see the good guy in you, and vilifies the people who have accused you of wrongdoing.

I once was acquainted with another good guy. The kids in the neighborhood loved him. He punched me in the face once because I ventured over see what kinds of fun things were going on at the swing set. When that punk died in a bar fight everyone was shocked that their beloved friend was gone. Not me. They wouldn't know that my knowledge of his violent temper put this little girl in a jam when he and some other boys told me to show them my body. I told them no, but they held me captive, just like you did.  I didn't want to get punched again, so I did it.  You have that peaceful front, but you do not remind me of peace.  You reminded me of these and so many other things -- That I've been bitten and grabbed. I've been punched and assaulted. I've been forced against a wall and pinned down with people watching and doing nothing but roll their eyes. I've been kissed by someone who heard me say firmly and clearly, "No, you will not."  And your reply was, "Oh, yes I will."  You actually said that to me.  Asshole.

Every time I tell someone who knows you well that this is who you are, they give you a pass.  But the next time you pull this shit you might feel the rage of a hundred wrongs done to me, including your own. (And I will see you again, because I refuse to avoid doing things because you might be there.) But if you touch me when I said no, I might become so angry that I will shout, "NO! I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ME, [your name, loudly here]!"to all the people on the street and all of your non-judgmental friends. I might swing an elbow or swiftly lift a knee. I am that angry.  I don't expect that this letter will ever reach anyone who will be sorry for being like you, because you really are a very dense lot.  I don't expect you to change, but be warned that I refuse to be silent.  I might be projecting a lot of anger at you that you don't fully deserve, but now you know where it's coming from.

In truth,
Angie

On the Offering of Advice

Have you found yourself compelled to give unsolicited advice to people who are poor decision-makers, even when it's repeatedly ignored?  You may feel strongly that it is in their best interest for you to step in, speak up, and point out their folly.  But before you offer potentially unwanted advice, it is worthwhile to consider the complex human behavior that leads us to either take advice or ignore it and make our own decisions.  Have you asked yourself what it is about your tactics that leads to a failure to persuade or dissuade?  If you consider what goes on under the surface of these human interactions, you can tailor your advice to be more convincing.  Or, you may choose a different path altogether.

On the offering of advice...a preparatory guide:

We encourage our children
to be independent, to a point.

• From the time you could walk and talk, you have been developing independence.   As humans develop, we take advantage of opportunities to establish ourselves as free-willed thinkers, sometimes in defiance of our elders' wishes.  I suspect the desire to be a unique individual peaks in the late teens, early twenties.  That's why we set our children loose at that age.  They need to make their own mistakes and find their own way.  Hormones, habits, memories,  independence and a desire maintain individuality--all of these things contribute to the choices we make. 


• You have something to gain from giving advice.  What is it?  Are you hoping to save her from dire consequences?  Are you wanting her to ignore the advice yet again so you can say, "I told you so"?  Are you embarrassed by her errors in judgment?  Or, is she needing to hear it because she is harming others with her behavior? Examining your motivation might reveal that she is competing with you for gains, because she has something at stake as well.  Honesty, especially with yourself, goes a long way here.  Otherwise your motivation could seem suspect.





Your clothing tips remind her of  that
oppressive dress code from childhood.

• What is your relationship with the recipient of your advice?  Are you approaching him from a loving standpoint, or one of disdain or habitual power play?  Are you a co-worker?  A parent?  A sibling?  If you examine the relationship and determine that you are acting out of caring and love for the other person, does your advice show it?  Do you remind him of something from his past that shuts him down?  Sometimes we don't fully understand our relationships, and that can lead to a disconnection between ourselves and the other person.  For example, something about your advice may remind him of a time in his childhood when he was bullied by his peers.   Or, you might be evoking the rebellion of his youth because you sound parental.  He may not even realize this.  It's worth consideration.  


• What advice has been given before, and why didn't it work?  Are you starting to sound like a broken record?  Is that how you want to sound?  Are you being flexible in your expectations, or can you only see things your way?


• Have you asked her what she wants?  Maybe she is seeking the help you are offering but would rather be asked first.  More likely, she might want to figure things out on her own.   Does she have the same goals that you have for her, or are you wanting her to live your dream?  Is she happy with the decisions that she has made so far?  Is she the only one making the decisions, or is her partner involved?  Is  the issue legitimately your concern?


• Have you given him the space and time to make the decision on his own before offering your two cents?  As an adult, he wants to own his actions entirely.  If you tell him to send thank-you cards for Aunt Emma's handmade sweater, it will feel to him like he's doing it because you told him to, not because he is an independently grateful person.





This turned out to be not such a
good idea in the long run.

• What is the gravity of the situation?  Is he irreparably harming himself or others, or is he your constant worry or inconvenience?  If the wrong choice is made, will he be able to undo what has been done?  What resources do you have to truly help him?  Do you need support from others such as a support group, a professional, close friends, family, or clergy? 

Do you engage her in other ways that make her feel validated?  Is your disapproving opinion dominating the conversation, or do you also give her props and kudos for her accomplishments?  Do you normally have conversations of substance (i.e. not the weather) that don't focus on the negative?  Who else is hearing your interactions?  You could be invalidating her by pointing out her foibles constantly.  Additionally, if you talk to others about the issue when she is not present, her resentment might override her judgement. 

Against everyone's advice,
he followed his dream and
joined the circus.

What example have you set?  Nobody likes taking advice from a hypocrite, nor do they want to feel as if you have an air of superiority.  If you're imparting sage wisdom because you've "been there, done that," can you share your story rather than attempt to shape his with a word to the wise?  If your recommendation is driven by your guilty past or your own poor self-image, a re-examination of your motivation might be in order.  

A very important question to ponder is, "what is the worst possible outcome if I say nothing?"  You might find yourself asking this question more and more often as you see how liberating it can be to live and let live.  Sharing your personal stories and having loving, listening conversations with the people you care about is often a relationship-builder and a better route than offering up suggestions for how others could be doing things differently.