Becoming Real

I was talking to my therapist this morning about how I feel in many ways like it is possible to control others.  I fully realize that it is an illusion, but what happens in reality is that we get a lot of positive feedback from our efforts.  The illusion goes like this:  We know other people really well.  We know how they respond to us.  So, we manipulate them by speaking or acting a certain way to get a predictable response or reaction.  We know them well enough that we can use our knowledge to tweak the situation and get the response we desire.  

I gave him an example of someone stepping on my foot.  I know they would prefer not to hurt me, so I tell them, "ouch! You are stepping on my foot. It really hurts.  Get off of my foot."  They remove their foot.  See? I just controlled that person.

"Ah," he says, "but it's not all black and white." There are those who are in denial of hurting you.  They'll say something like, "that's not my foot," or "I'm not stepping on it so hard it will hurt you." Or, there are those who deflect your pain and make it theirs by saying, "it's not that bad. My foot hurts, too. Someone stepped on my foot yesterday, AND my shoes are too small." Or, worse, they stand their ground and ask, "what kind of person do you think I am?  I would never hurt you," but they don't remove their foot, and now they are a martyr because you accused them of doing the unthinkable. 

When someone does that, it becomes very confusing.  After a while, you stop complaining that you are being hurt because no one is listening.  You lose touch, bit by bit, with your identity because the pain is now your destiny.

I believe in my heart I can tell someone that they are hurting me and that they will stop, but in reality there are those who just don't see the pain they cause.  They probably never will, and I can't change that.  I can tell them they are hurting me until I am blue in the face, and they will contend that I am wrong and they are right.

Pinocchio had a lot of lessons to learn.

This battle between the emotional and logical brain is frustrating, and it's where my fulcrum lies for personal growth and self-awareness.  How many times has something been so obvious, yet so foreign?  It seems like I have a knowledge about something that is plain and obvious but I can't GET IT emotionally.  I don't get it because I've been imprinted from early on. Why would someone not remove their foot from mine if they hear the words, "you are hurting me"?  My core emotional being tells me that if I just keep trying to tell them how hurtful they are, they will stop hurting me.  Or, it tells me to surrender.  Surrender because I am a prisoner to pain, and the abuser will never stop and they are the ones in control, and the world is unfair by nature.  My emotional self is very confused.  My logical self can see the truth.  It says, "theirs is emotionally abusive behavior." There are those who will never remove their foot, and that they will always believe they are righteous, and I know this to be true because it is what I have experienced. My therapist nailed it.  So, what do I do with this information?

I have to pledge to myself that I will stand up and speak up when someone is being hurtful.  I have to pledge to myself that I won't allow shame to creep in because I stood up and took up space that is rightly mine.  I can't let myself surrender to a destiny of pain.  If someone doesn't get off my foot because they are in denial of hurting me, I will call for others to help me see what is truly happening, and name it what it is.  This illusion of power over others is how we strip one another of our true selves, our identities.  I'd like to have the power to say "stop" and therefore make it so, but I can't.  I don't really hold their puppet strings at all; and neither do they hold mine.  

I have to recognize that continuing to fall for the slight-of-hand, the illusion of power over others, is enabling others to feel like they are in control, or enabling me to believe that I have power over them.  It gets me trapped in victimhood, a spiral of shame, and it is a distraction from growth and self-awareness. Who am I, really?  How can I figure it out if I'm stuck under someone else's set of rules that play to my emotions instead of actual logic?  I can't.  I have to get some tools, get out from underfoot, and avoid the trap in the future.  It's okay to liberate myself from oppression and to reject their martyrdom.  I am also permitted to care that they are being hurtful or abusive, to feel the pain and name it for what it is so that I empower myself, and don't resort to throwing in the towel.  I can climb off the crazy train and work towards my own sanity.

Dear Family:

I'm going to begin with, "I love you," because I do.  I don't always understand you, and you don't always understand me.  I think where there is misunderstanding, resentments can fester.  How can we bridge the gap of understanding?  I think a certain amount of willingness is key.  Are you willing to learn more about me, and to understand me so that we can move beyond the edges of resentment?  Ok, you're willing?  Now, what is required is listening.  The trouble is, effective listening isn't something everyone is capable of.  If we were capable of it, we wouldn't be in this pickle.  It's a learned behavior.  Search the internet for "Active Listening."  Practice it.  If I tell you something from the heart, your job is to receive that information.  That is all.  Just receive it.  Don't meddle with it, turn it upside down and shake it, and please don't make it about you.  Now that you've actually listened to me with an objective ear, you might be a little bit closer to understanding me.  If you aren't, then you need more practice.  

I love you and I would like to be given the chance to listen to you, too.  Are you looking for deeper, more honest relationships?  I am.  I hear that you might not want to get too close to other people's flames, but honestly, what kind of life is it to refuse to acknowledge the discomfort of others?  Tell me what makes you uncomfortable so I don't have to guess. Sometimes, when you bottle that stuff in, your idea of reality is nowhere near the truth, and you've been worried about something that doesn't exist.  Challenge yourself to find an interpretation that isn't dramatic or traumatic. Own your pain. Let other people own their pain. You can't have mine and I don't want yours! Don't try to take control of my struggle and make it yours. 

I love you, but generalizations about me aren't helpful.  If you tell me that I always act a certain way and I'm behaving in a typical pattern, you are demonstrating your lack of awareness of my growth.  I'm a dynamic person, and I am always changing.  So are you.  If you peg me into a square hole in your head, you'll never get to experience my roundness.  If you have bought into the idea that people don't change, there are no legitimate studies that support your claim.  Quite the opposite.  If you keep expecting people to not change, you aren't leaving them any room for growth. Sometimes, it's easier to act out expected roles than to deal with the pushback of change. You probably don't want to be responsible for hindering another person's growth.  Keep your eyes open for humans exploring their potential.  And, please, explore your own. You aren't trapped. I would love to see you grow.  It's happening whether you admit it or not, so let's celebrate your growth and change.

I love you, but when you question my choices, you question my humanity.  You don't get to play God with my choices, especially at my age.  If you don't like how I present myself, or who I spend my time with, or if you think that I am hurting someone by being my true self, or if you refuse to be in parts of my life but want full access to other parts, something is really wrong with your concept of "love and support."  You don't get to come into my life only if I continue to act in ways that don't disrupt your concept of who I am.  You are afraid of something, but it isn't me. If the people I surround myself with make you uncomfortable, consider that they may be my chosen family.  You get to choose whether or not you accept my chosen family, but you don't get to reject my family and then complain that I never call or visit you.  It shouldn't have to be an act of bravery for me to show up in my true form, but it is.  I have had to work on being brave all my life. I'd like to see you be brave and accept my true form -- my shifting, growing, true self.

I love you, but acting out of shame and fear is not love.  When you protect the tender feelings of others from my reality and my truth, you are not doing anyone any favors.  When I embarrass you because I did something you think is inappropriate, that is your shame talking, and it has nothing to do with me.  Shame has no place in loving relationships.  Shame is the most damaging and isolating act you can impose on another, especially if you are calling it "love." Calling fear and shame "love" is really confusing. I am working on becoming resilient to your shaming and fear and I'm learning what love really is.  It's your work, too.  I don't know who taught you these tools of shame and fear, but they were wrong to do so.

Some day, we're all going to be dead.  I have one chance at this life, and I recognize that you might miss me now as if I am already gone. I'm not.  I'm here, ready to sit down to dinner with you, but on my terms of mutual respect and dignity.  I won't accept an invitation with caveats of rejection.  I won't be treated as if I am less-than, an embarrassment, or that I've made poor choices, just so I can gain your approval.  I love you, and I accept that you might not like my terms.  The invitation still stands.

Live. Let live. Repeat.

LGBTQ folks who come out late in life often struggle with the shame and guilt of "living a lie."

Society pushes us into a closet and when we step out, we apologise. The world fails us and who do we blame?  Ourselves. I know my truth hurts other people, but I am not responsible for everyone else's well-being at my expense.  I am worthy of living my truth, as we all are.

Shall we gather at the river?

The human body is said to be around 60% water, and our vital organs can contain as much as 83% water.  It's no wonder that good medical advice nearly always includes drinking plenty of water.  It's not something I find easy to do, but as I age, I think I may come to regret it if I don't develop a good water consumption habit.

Some of my favorite hymns are about water and rivers. Flowing water has long been a metaphor for spirit, grief, life, change, renewal, washing away our pain, community, and about a determination to do what is right.  Water is life.  This isn't just a slogan meant to make you feel guilty for driving a car that requires oil that threatens indigenous water supplies. Water is required for life on our planet.  We know this.  And, we are made of water.

Civilizations gather and grow at rivers.  These fresh water sources eventually come to be thought of as property, and with property comes control.  We grow our bodies of water by damming streams and rivers and containing it in reservoirs and tanks.  But water always fights us, and its force nearly always leads it to where it was originally going. Dams break, channels are subverted, diversions find a shortcut and floods come, regardless of our concrete walls and levees.  Last year, I was in the

https://earthobservatory.nasa.gov/images/46820/nile-river-delta-at-night

town of Angangueo, Mexico, where a flood and mudslides had destroyed a thousand homes, killing more than 30 people along a stream in February of 2010.  The state's solution was to bury the creek below, where no one can see it.  This has given the residents of Angangueo no peace of mind.  They know that burying the channel is not going to save them in the next big rain event. Water will find its own path. This diversion of the water may cause them a lot of pain.


And, just like the water in our blood and in our big human brains, we find our own paths.  We spend a lot of energy trying to divert the paths of others, trying to manipulate the outcome so that we can reap the benefits of our neighboring water-bodies.  To do so is futile.  I am surrounded by people who I would love to be able to change.  Aren't we all?  But some of those people have been hurt along their journey, and often times those who are hurting will try to hurt others.  We know this to be true.

 Sirens represent the power of
water to challenge
our illusions of control.

  "Hurt people hurt people." But hurt people can also choose a path of healing.  That is their path, their channel, their direction, and their destiny to determine, not mine.  If someone chooses to be kind, they will find a way to be kind.  If someone chooses to criticize me, their criticism might give them the illusion of power to change me, but at most it will divert my flow until I get back onto my own path.

The human in me wants to whine, stomp my feet and complain, "how stupid, this idea that people will be themselves no matter what I do!  I am supposed to be in charge of other people's actions and reactions.  How can I be in control of my life if I can't control those around me?"

I have no power to change anyone.  I am water, you are water.  I can provide stability like deep-rooted plants to someone else's banks. I can offer support, love and compassion when their pain overspills their banks onto others.  If I let other people divert my path, I could be letting them harm me.  I have to assume that when I try to divert others, I am harming them as well.

A Sufi Parable, The Tale of the Sands  

High in a far off mountain, a stream started in a little spring. The stream flung itself at the desert, but each time it did so, it disappeared. But if its destiny was to cross that desert, it would surely find a way.

The wind could cross the desert, and the stream realized that it could allow itself to be absorbed by the wind, carried across the desert as vapor, and reappear on the other side as rain. But the stream didn't like that idea, saying, "I have my own identity... I won't be the same stream that I am now."

Eventually, the stream did allow itself to be carried across the desert by the wind, who carried it beyond the horizon, and let it fall softly at the top of a new mountain, and the stream began to understand who it really was, and what it meant to be a stream.

And that is why it is said that the way in which the Stream of Life is to continue on its journey is written in the Sands. 

A long version of this story can be found here: https://www.schoolofsufiteaching.org/the-parable-of-the-stream-and-the-desert.html

Drop the rope

When I was a kid, my dad taught me that if someone wants to pick a fight with me, just don't show up to the fight. It's kind of like when people play tug of war with you and you don't want the war to continue, you drop the proverbial rope.

A few years ago, I went off script and started conducting my own existence, rather than letting society or my elders determine my path.  I did this with the greatest ethical concern that I could muster at the time. I had extensive conversations with my spouse, and we agreed together that we could define our relationship however we wanted to.  No one else gets to define our marriage.  Society doesn't get to dictate how we relate.  Society defines marriage as between a man and a woman -- two people are legally bound to each other and are expected to have children, own property together, live together, sleep together, have sex with each other exclusively, and so on.

I'm 48 years old, and I came out as a lesbian a couple of years ago.  With my husbands knowledge and blessing, I'd started a relationship with a woman. She and I are still in that relationship today.  I am remaining married to my husband of now 25 years, and we are committed to parenting our two

teenage daughters.  Is this confusing?  Maybe it confounds those who want to put me in a patriarchal, heteronormative box.  Those people expect certain behaviors of women, in marriage, or of humans in general.  Those expectations have nothing to do with morality or ethics.  They are social constructs.  Those boxes, those confines, those expectations have been harming my very humanity all of my life.

Straight folks as well as LGBTQ folks might say that I should've never gotten married and had kids, and brought other humans into this confusing situation. I say keep on walking in your own shoes.  Mine don't fit you.

There is no road map for my life.  There are no self-help books. There is only me in this big world, trying to navigate around a bunch of rules that deny my identity, shame and condemn me.  I contend that if you aren't happy with me now, you wouldn't have been happy with me 30 years ago when I "should have" come out.  Those who shame and condemn the LGBTQ community will always find a reason to do so. That is their Modus Operandi. We can't expect them to change.  What I have to do is learn not to let them hurt me, and to be my authentic self regardless of the pushback.  I can't express to you how unfair that feels.  I have to tolerate them, even though they can't affirm and accept me.  I've been told, "I love you, but I can't participate in your lifestyle choices."  I have to accept that they do not understand love the same way I do, and that is their character flaw, not mine.

I am choosing to grow and change into my own ever-renewing and beautiful skin.  I am looking out for the people in the same boat with me, and I am banding together with them, if not in person, in spirit.  I will seek out those who I know have been harmed by the same people and actions that have harmed me, and I will not participate in condemnation or exclusion.  I will invite them to dinner with my girlfriend, and we will be in community together, if they choose. I will tell those who offer to love me how much gratitude I have for their loving acceptance.  I have friends whose well-loved children are in the LGBTQ community and I will tell them that I appreciate their parenting of their own children and of those they adopt as children in situ.

We can't live together if we are defining each other's paths. Nobody wants that for themselves. I acknowledge and accept you for who you choose to be, whatever side of the fence you're on.  I'm nearly a half-century old and some people think its their right to wag fingers at me for my "choices."  I'm not even going to tell them to get over themselves.  That's their work. I am dropping that rope. I've got my hands full, working on healing myself and being the best me I can be.

6th Grade Safety Policy: Bi Sexuals in the Classroom

I received an email that was meant for someone else.  Here is what it said, followed by my reply.

On Wed, Oct 11, 2017 at 10:49 AM "F" wrote:

Good morning K,

During group work today G came over to our new student A and told her that she was “bi sexual.” I talked to G and she admitted this to me also stating that A asked her, I talked to our new student who confirmed this. I told the students about safe school policy and that we can’t have conversations about this at school including crushes.

I am wondering how you want me to proceed.

Thanks, 

Mr. F.

6th Grade Teacher

X Elementary

Mr. F,

As a gay woman who was surrounded by homophobic societal norms that caused me to suppress and deny my own truth for decades, I would love to have a conversation about this. However, the email was intended for someone else. I do not have a child at X Elementary. I suspect that my views on the matter are easily dismissible since I do not have a vote. 

However…Consider that the leading cause of suicide among teens and pre-teens is the feeling of isolation and loneliness.  This incidence increases dramatically for children who identify as LGBTQ. Safety is not found in isolation. It is in acceptance and love. 

A "safe" school policy does not include one where our children are taught to only define themselves in ways that are "normal."  Sexuality is a part of being human. Feeling safe in one's own skin starts at a young age, with one's peers and adult mentors. 

Please consider yourself the potential first point of loving acceptance in every child's journey of self-discovery. I guarantee that any child you have in your class who defines themselves as LGBTQ now or in the future will need someone in their lives who they consider "safe" when they face their authentic selves. Are you that person? Or are you someone who is teaching them to hide their own truth?  That is the path to isolation, depression, anxiety and worse. 

With love in my heart for you and those kids,

Angie Babbit 

Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow; And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. He followed her to school one day— That was against the rule; It made the children laugh and play, To see a lamb at school. So the teacher turned him out, But still he lingered near, And waited patiently about Till Mary did appear. Then he ran to her, and laid His head upon her arm, As if he said, I'm not afraid,You'll keep me from all harm.

Dear Straight People:

I was at a book club and we were talking about the merits of other book clubs.  A guy started talking about someone in another book club who I didn't know, and about how this other guy isn't coming to terms with his sexuality.  He went on at length about his gay behaviors, and how he's married, in denial about being gay, and so on.  I hear this conversation all the time.  People like to speculate about who is gay and then tell everyone else how that should be dealt with.  Usually, the person doing it thinks it's funny.

Stop it, Straight People.  Stop speculating about other people's sexuality and then acting like you've got a clue what it's like to be non-heteronormative. And, it's not funny. It's really pretty hostile.

I said to this guy, "It sure seems like you have taken an unusual interest in determining who is gay and who isn't."

"Maybe I have," he said, smirking.

I asked, "What about me? Am I gay?"

His smirk disappeared and he said, "Well, that's none of my business!"

Suddenly, when I'm in the room with him, face-to-face, it's not his business.  But he can talk all he wants about this other guy.

Just stop it.  Straight People, listen to me.  You don't know what it's like to fear the threat of exposure, exclusion, deep loss and even violence for having intimate relationships that are not "normal" like yours.

You might think that you know, because you're liberal-minded and empathetic.  If you're open, accepting, etc.,  stop this presumption and start using language that indicates you care about everyone, all the time, even if they're not there. Demanding to know is entitlement. Demanding secrecy is equally wrong.  Their story isn't your story. You don't get to decide any of this for someone else, thank goodness.

I said to this guy, "You're right. It's none of your business.  But if you want people to open up to you about stuff like this, they have to feel safe doing it, especially in a small-group setting like a book club." The other people in the group just kind of sat there, smiling. I wasn't sure what to make of it.

Did I just come out to this group of casual acquaintances?  Now what do they think of me? I didn't panic.  The proverbial sky did not fall.  I felt like vomiting, but I didn't.  You see, Straight People, my experience told me that I might later get punched in the face, or worse, so it was a little scary.

Let's just say for a moment that in 2017, all LGBTQ people have no reason to fear future retribution for coming out.  Let's say that our utopian society has reached a point of utter acceptance of all.  (It goes without saying, this is not the reality.)  Should all non-straight people simply ignore their prior experiences that clearly paint another picture?  Our unique human experiences and the emotions surrounding our experiences drive our decisions.

There are entire societies where the trauma of the ancestors dictates behavior.  In Transylvania, there are elders who still refuse to practice their religion openly because of torture and persecution by an Italian soldier, many generations ago in the 1570s. I make my decisions about who gets to see my true light based on an invisible line of safety. When I feel like I'm toeing the line, my stomach starts to heave, like right now.

So guess what, Straight People. Nobody owes you their truth, especially if you act entitled to it. Sometimes you can't see that you are acting entitled, and you can't ever see the world 100% from the perspective of others, despite how hard you try.  But, if you really do care about someone and want to support them, you could start by asking them questions and offering your support.  And if their truth disappoints or frightens you? Maybe you should take a good look at your own experiences and dig down into the dirt of what makes you feel that way. It is about goddamned time you start working on you.