Dear Straight People:

I was at a book club and we were talking about the merits of other book clubs.  A guy started talking about someone in another book club who I didn't know, and about how this other guy isn't coming to terms with his sexuality.  He went on at length about his gay behaviors, and how he's married, in denial about being gay, and so on.  I hear this conversation all the time.  People like to speculate about who is gay and then tell everyone else how that should be dealt with.  Usually, the person doing it thinks it's funny.

Stop it, Straight People.  Stop speculating about other people's sexuality and then acting like you've got a clue what it's like to be non-heteronormative. And, it's not funny. It's really pretty hostile.

I said to this guy, "It sure seems like you have taken an unusual interest in determining who is gay and who isn't."

"Maybe I have," he said, smirking.

I asked, "What about me? Am I gay?"

His smirk disappeared and he said, "Well, that's none of my business!"

Suddenly, when I'm in the room with him, face-to-face, it's not his business.  But he can talk all he wants about this other guy.

Just stop it.  Straight People, listen to me.  You don't know what it's like to fear the threat of exposure, exclusion, deep loss and even violence for having intimate relationships that are not "normal" like yours.

You might think that you know, because you're liberal-minded and empathetic.  If you're open, accepting, etc.,  stop this presumption and start using language that indicates you care about everyone, all the time, even if they're not there. Demanding to know is entitlement. Demanding secrecy is equally wrong.  Their story isn't your story. You don't get to decide any of this for someone else, thank goodness.

I said to this guy, "You're right. It's none of your business.  But if you want people to open up to you about stuff like this, they have to feel safe doing it, especially in a small-group setting like a book club." The other people in the group just kind of sat there, smiling. I wasn't sure what to make of it.

Did I just come out to this group of casual acquaintances?  Now what do they think of me? I didn't panic.  The proverbial sky did not fall.  I felt like vomiting, but I didn't.  You see, Straight People, my experience told me that I might later get punched in the face, or worse, so it was a little scary.

Let's just say for a moment that in 2017, all LGBTQ people have no reason to fear future retribution for coming out.  Let's say that our utopian society has reached a point of utter acceptance of all.  (It goes without saying, this is not the reality.)  Should all non-straight people simply ignore their prior experiences that clearly paint another picture?  Our unique human experiences and the emotions surrounding our experiences drive our decisions.

There are entire societies where the trauma of the ancestors dictates behavior.  In Transylvania, there are elders who still refuse to practice their religion openly because of torture and persecution by an Italian soldier, many generations ago in the 1570s. I make my decisions about who gets to see my true light based on an invisible line of safety. When I feel like I'm toeing the line, my stomach starts to heave, like right now.

So guess what, Straight People. Nobody owes you their truth, especially if you act entitled to it. Sometimes you can't see that you are acting entitled, and you can't ever see the world 100% from the perspective of others, despite how hard you try.  But, if you really do care about someone and want to support them, you could start by asking them questions and offering your support.  And if their truth disappoints or frightens you? Maybe you should take a good look at your own experiences and dig down into the dirt of what makes you feel that way. It is about goddamned time you start working on you.